Not Again! My Personal Life in Crisis

I can’t believe I’m writing another one of these posts, just six months after the last one. This is a personal post and I apologise in advance for unloading all this stuff on an Internet Marketing blog but this is also a personal blog and when shit happens it affects everything to do with Internet Marketing.

Six months ago I was in a 10 year relationship and my partner ended it rather abruptly and my world came crashing down. For the first month I tried to keep up the pretense on the blog but I think it showed through in my writing and eventually I just let it all out.

Strangely enough, the day after I published that post I encountered the woman who would become my new partner. We had a whirlwind romance, I felt things I hadn’t felt in years and this took away all the pain of the split. Just one week after writing my original post I was feeling amazingly happy and it was all because of her. In the months following that we moved in together, I got stuck into work again and I thought my life had finally come together.

However, now it’s all come crashing down again. My new partner broke up with me yesterday. This actually started 3 weeks ago. Things were going wrong and she asked me to move out for a couple of weeks while she cleared her head. At first she said she couldn’t be without me and we’d just date but yesterday she said it simply wasn’t working and had to finish it.

I’m devastated. This is even worse than when I split from my last partner of 10 years because that relationship had been full of problems for years and years so really it was more shock than anything else. But with my new partner, I felt like I had met an angel from heaven and I was deliriously happy. We were in the midst of a honeymoon period when it all got snatched away from me – it feels very unfair and doubly unfair that I’m going through the same thing just six months after the last time.

Right now I’m very scared. Although I’m not quite in the same mess that I was after the last one, life is daunting now. When I split up with my first partner I had to sell my house, and I moved back in with my mother and I had planned to eventually buy my own house again. I was facing life as a single woman which is very difficult for me as I have been in long term relationships all my life. I’m one of those people who feels the need to be in a relationship. Nothing else in life seems important when that part of my life isn’t in place.

I’ve been reading through all the comments that were left on my previous post and one of the themes that came up time and again is that time is a healer. The trouble is, I don’t know how much time I am going to need to heal because after the last split I never really had to go through the pain of dealing with it because my new partner effectively ’saved’ me from going through all that – I jumped in feet first and totally engrossed myself in the new relationship.

I met her literally 5 weeks after the last split and that was wonderful but of course I don’t expect that to happen again and indeed, I wouldn’t want it to. It didn’t take that long to get over my partner of 10 years because deep down I knew we had been over years ago but with my new partner I was right in the midst of the most intensely wonderful experience I could imagine and now I couldn’t even think about being with somebody else.

But that in itself is the problem because long term, I know I need to be in a relationship. So that means that what I’m facing now is properly having to deal with the pain of a breakup, however long that may take, having to actually be single and finding a way to be happy. All of that has to happen before I can imagine myself being in a position to think about another relationship. But all that stuff doesn’t feel good right now and in this moment I’m having a very hard time imagining being happy as a single person.

I’ve written about the Law of Attraction in passing in the odd blog comment and here’s the problem: in order to manifest happiness, I have to be happy. What I mean is, if I wallow in misery, feeling sorry for myself and feeling horrible about being single then I’ll continue to manifest that situation. Only when I can find acceptance with what has happened and actually be truly happy with my single life will I have any hope of finding that special person again. And of course, right now I can’t see how I could be happy being single. So frustrating!

Why am I writing all this? Simply, because I’m struggling to get through the days which obviously affects my work. I’m suffering from awful anxiety attacks, especially at night. Last night I only got about 3 hours sleep and I was gripped with anxiety for about the first 6 hours of the day. I’m utterly exhausted! I’m tired but I can’t sleep, I’m hungry but I can’t eat, I’m bored but I can’t do anything! When I feel like that it is just so hard to get from one minute to the next and each minute crawls by so slowly – its truly agonising in a way that seems to make no sense.

However I’m not going to just take this lying down. The anxiety is very hard to deal with but it only tends to hit me when my mind wanders to the situation which is why its so hard to sleep. When I take my mind off the problem the anxiety goes away. So right now I’m trying to do that in lots of ways. When I feel really low I just watch some TV – I’ve been watching 24 which may not be the best thing to watch as there’s so much torture (series 2 I’m on) that it gives me nightmares in itself!

When I’m a little more awake and I can read, I’ve been reading through the ebook that Dr Mani sent me last time I went through this. It’s called the Emotion Prism and its about how to be happy when you’d rather be sad. I’ve also signed up for some voluntary work. I figure that if I can spend time with other people who have “real problems” and make a difference, that it will help me gain perspective over my own problems and give me some inner peace.

After a while (usually later in the day) I tend to feel better and I have a few good hours. When this happens I start to feel positive about things and I get the desire to work so I’ll use that time to do whatever I can. I’m hoping that over time I’ll have more and more of the good hours. I know that I’ll be fine eventually – everybody is, but of course I’m worried about what effect this will have on my work in the meantime.

Well meaning friends (and my mother) tell me that I should throw myself into my work while I go through this as it will give me something to focus on. If only it was that easy! When I have that anxiety and I’m so tired, I really can’t work – well, not the important stuff anyway. That was what I was going on about with my post about playing with the sand. When I’m feeling that bad about the only thing I can muster is emails, blog comments, reading the odd blog post etc – but I can’t write, I can barely think.

I really hate having to publish a post like this. It makes me feel like shit and it’s downright embarrassing but on the other hand if I don’t do it, work seems so much harder as I feel as though I’m working under a pretense. I really hope this is the last time I blurt out this kind of personal stuff on this blog. I suppose I’m writing it mainly to let myself off the hook. If you email me and I don’t get back to you right away or I don’t show my usual interest then you know why. If I don’t blog for a while, or I just blog about rubbish then you know why. If I don’t make much progress with Traffic Rush for a while you know why.

So now you know – again.

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