I have had a very strange and intense week. Last Sunday I was at a very low point and I felt like I had to unload all of my personal problems on this blog so that I could be true to myself in my writing over the coming weeks and months.
However, I did not expect what followed. As soon as I published the post I felt a kind of release - all those negative emotions of anger, bitterness, jealousy, loss, rejection etc just vanished overnight. Literally the very next morning I felt clear, at peace and like a massive fog had been lifted.
I spent the majority of Monday just reading through all the amazing messages of support that I received in response the post. These have come from everywhere - blog comments, email, Twitter, Facebook etc.
Literally within 24 hours of writing that post, my outlook changed completely. I’ve had a truly wonderful week and I’m feeling happier than I have in a very long time and very positive about my future. I am still unclear about the direction I wish to take my work but I have faith that inspiration will arrive soon, perhaps from one of you :-)
But now I actually feel almost guilty for feeling good because the emails of support are still coming in daily and of course I am doing so much better now that I feel that I am wasting the time of those who are taking the time out to write to me with such kind words.
So I want to once again thank everybody who has sent me their support and all the positive vibes - it certainly worked! One last point - I feel I have gone off-topic enough now so from here on in I intend to get back to business on this blog and focus on Internet Marketing. Thanks for bearing with me over the last week.
When I wrote yesterday’s post I was feeling very angry, bitter and depressed. I was really wallowing in my misery and for some reason I expected that post to result in a ton of abuse. I was very surprised and quite overwhelmed by the response!
I have read all the comments and all I can say is thank-you for taking the time to comment. It’s been really nice to see such supportive comments not just on the blog but also via email and Twitter also. I’ve not responded the comments as I haven’t really known what to say but they have really helped me and I have appreciated them very much.
I said in the post that I didn’t care about anything and that nothing matters anymore. That’s not quite true. When I have a ‘bad day’ that’s how I feel but that’s just depression talking and it’s not a rational perspective on things. When I look at this blog, the projects I have on, and the emails that are sitting in my business inbox there are some things that do still seem very trivial - but not everything.
I do care about this blog. I believe that the Internet presents tremendous opportunity for the everyday person to make money online but I also think that the “make money online” niche has been brainwashed by too many gurus and I too have been brainwashed by some of that stuff. I hate long-form sales letters, I really hate them with a passion. I hate the idea of us marketers worming our way into social networks like Facebook. I hate the idea of selling an email course for hundreds or thousands of dollars.
So what I would like to do is make money online in a non-sleazy way and use this blog to show how I do it so that other people can follow along and do the same. The thing I love about the Internet is that these days it is so accessible. Even somebody on extremely limited means should be able to get online and start making a secondary income in their spare time. To many people, that could make a real difference.
If I can help somebody do that, then I’m doing something worthwhile. Of course I need to make a living too!
So what I need to do now, is re-examine my options. Figure out what’s worthwhile, what’s sleazy, what’s just not interesting and try to work on just those things that don’t make me feel like crawling back under the covers.
In addition to all the lovely comments and emails that I have received, there are two very special people that I would like to thank. The first is Peter Buick, who I met from the 30 Day Challenge and who has become a true friend in recent weeks. Peter has helped me see things in ways I could never have seen them on my own, and has made me question every limiting belief that I had. He has really helped me see how this situation can be a tremendous opportunity. Thank you Peter.
The second person I would like to thank is Dr Mani. I met him recently through this blog when he gave me lots of advice about my Twitter guide and making money in general. Today, in response to yesterday’s post he sent me a copy of a book he has written called “The Emotional Prism - How to be Happy When You’d Rather be Sad”. I’ve read the whole book, and it has been profound, humbling and very helpful. It is not a free book either so thank you very much Dr Mani.
Yesterday I published a podcast giving some reasons why my blogging had been sub-par over the last month or so. You know what? It was a bunch of crap - lies, that I made up in order to ’save face’. Well I’ve had enough of the pretense, I can’t do it anymore and I realise now that it is not helping me one little bit to do so.
This is a very personal post. If you read my blog purely for the Internet Marketing related information then look away now. Seriously.
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So you’re probably wondering what I have been lying about, and why. 4 weeks ago I did not become ill. I have not had Internet connection issues. These were lies I made up to cover the truth behind why I have not done any work and barely kept up a blogging appearance over the last few weeks.
The truth is that on the 14th November my girlfriend (yes I’m gay, homophobes can unsubscribe now) of 10 years emailed me to let me know that we were splitting up. Just like that, out of the blue. My life as I knew it turned completely upside-down overnight.
The first week was the worst. I stayed at home, utterly devastated, suicidal, unable to function. Luckily I had some pre-written blog posts and I just about managed to pull myself together long enough to schedule some of them to appear. I even manage to respond to some of my comments occasionally.
At the end of the first week, I reached a crisis point, did something I shouldn’t have and ended up in hospital. I then spent some time with family. My mum has no Internet connection so I arranged to have it installed at her house but this takes time.
At the end of the second week, I then discovered the reason behind the breakup that had seemed to come so suddenly for me. Emma had supposedly fallen in love with somebody else - somebody from the 30 Day Challenge. Oh the irony. They’ve never met in person, she lives in the USA and we are in the UK but that fantasy seems to be enough for Emma to just trash our 10 years together.
[EDIT] When I originally posted this, I was very angry and named the ‘other woman’ which was somewhat immature as she earns her living from the Internet. I have since calmed down and no longer feel the need to do so therefore I have edited the post accordingly.
The aftermath of my discovery was not pretty and the next day I moved out. That is why I have been borrowing laptops and Internet connections all over the place. I still had no Internet at my mums and I could no longer go home so for the next two weeks I stayed anywhere I could get a bed - with friends and family. I’m now at my mums with the Internet safely installed.
So that’s the truth of the last four weeks.
Now at this point you’re probably wondering WHY on earth I am blogging about this? I’ll tell you why - because I am sick of trying to keep up this pretence, of trying to ‘work’ everyday when I can barely get out of bed in the morning. Who the heck am I doing this for? It’s not me. Emma’s new gf was very quick to draft up a very professional looking email after the split that all three of us agreed to - such as not talking about it, not mentioning any names etc etc. Well you know what? Bollocks to that.
This is not doing me any favours. I have good days and bad days. When I have a bad day I cannot work. You wouldn’t believe how much your perspective on things changes when your life is ripped apart by something like this. So, so many things that seemed important - like blog commenting strategies, thanking Stumblers, interviews, ebooks etc all seem so utterly superficial and pointless.
I just can’t blog about that crap any more! I have become known for being an honest blogger, and yet I have not been honest over the last four weeks and it’s started to show. This last week I have seen my subscriber numbers drop daily and it doesn’t surprise me one bit. I sit at my computer, feeling like nothing means anything anymore, staring at some pointless online video about affiliate marketing. I’m trying to write a review and all the while in my head I’m thinking “I don’t care, I really don’t give a shit, what am I doing?” and I imagine that comes through in my writing.
So what happens now? Not a damn clue. In yesterday’s podcast I talked about all the projects I have taken on and that I hope to get started on from Monday. Well Monday is just a few hours away and if tomorrow I feel like I do today, then I know I’m not going to get anything done. I don’t know how long this will go on for. I am literally living day to day.
This blog is the record of my journey to make money online and it may seem irrelevant to be blogging about such personal details but this has affected my ability to make money more than anything else so far. I can’t commit to a daily posting schedule, I can’t even commit to getting out of my pyjamas before lunch time. I have no idea what my future holds and what the future of this blog is.
To be honest, after this post its probably not good. But I don’t care. Nothing matters anymore.
I don’t want to just totally self-destruct. Obviously I have good days too and on those days I try to think positive, and look to the future. I try to count my blessings. The problem is that my mindset has been totally altered by this. I can’t blog about pointless crap - many of the projects I was working on just seem so, I don’t know. I keep using the word pointless, but I can’t think of any other word to use. Trivial perhaps.
So much of Internet marketing gives me bad vibes. Facebook marketing, long sales letters, “the moneys is in the list”, sales funnels blah blah. When I was 19 I started a business - I provided a good service, I charged a fair price for it, everybody was happy. Simple. With the Internet good old fashioned business seems to have gone out of the window. It’s all sneaky, underhand, black hat these days and I’m just not interested in that.
So now my whole outlook has changed and I really don’t know what that means. I literally have to take each day as it comes. I cannot make any kind of plans for the future as I can’t even see beyond the next hour.
This is just a quick update to let you all know that I probably won’t be posting for a day or two. I am changing my Internet provider to Orange Broadband and they are being very slow. They can’t quite decide whether they are going to activate my line today, tomorrow or Thursday!
I’m currently on a short holiday with a friend so I have Internet access and I’ve been checking email and responding to comments but I haven’t actually done any work :-) I’m going back home tonight so I was hoping to start work again tomorrow but now I’m not sure whether or not I’ll have Internet access.
If the line is still not live, I can borrow my brother’s laptop to access email etc but I won’t be working fully until my new line is active. So, please bear with me this week whilst I get these little technical issues sorted out!
Thanks :-)
Just a quickie post today… for those of you that aren’t bored to tears of hearing about me, you might be interested in an interview that I have done with Patrick of Piggy Bank Pie.
It was a really interesting interview to do (I can talk about myself all day long lol!) and Patrick asked me lots of questions about me quitting my job, the 30 Day Challenge, Blogging, my take on Web 2.0 and some quickie questions.
Enjoy :)
http://piggybankpie.com/inside-the-net/interview-with-caroline-middlebrook/
